The Sausage as a Tool of Destruction

(The Revenge of the Sausage)

Sausages, bangers, snags.

The name suggests BBQ to me. How many times have you been walking somewhere minding your own business only be carried away by the smell of sausages and onions cooking on someone’s’ BBQ? They certainly have a power over people.

These days I think twice before allowing the humble sausage into my house. Take the following facts into consideration.

During the reign of Constantine the Great eating of the sausage was banned, and declared to be sinful. The sausage had developed a poor reputation during the ancient festival pre-dating Valentine’s Day. Apparently it was a big part of the celebrations which also involved sexual initiations. The mind boggles, doesn’t it? People actually had to buy their sausages on the sly from hidden sausage kitchens until the ban was lifted. Wonder what they did with them? Imagine being arrested with a sausage in your pants?

Sausages were called bangers during the Second World War because they contained so much water they exploded when fried. Oops, another sausage hits the deck.

Did you know that one of the first ever H-bombs detonated by the US was called the Sausage? It had the long thin sausage shape and carried within it enough nuclear power to blow away a huge part of the island that it was tested on. Gee, atomic sausages….

Have you heard about the lady in Germany who was murdered with a large German sausage called a Bockwurst? True. A German man admits to having ‘administered’ the sausage to her just before her death.

The world’s largest sausage was 36 miles long. Imagine trying to cook it? Imagine the kids trying to eat it? How many bottles of sauce would you go through?

Still see sausages in the same way? No, I didn’t think so.

Now think of what you are introducing into your home when you give your kids bangers and mash for tea.

How many times have the bangers exploded in the microwave? They make a lovely decoration on the microwave roof but just try cleaning it off! It makes great viewing for the kids, though, even better than TV.

How many injuries have the children sustained from wild sausages wielded by the rabid hands of a brother? And no, sauce does not make it better.

Have you ever noticed that it doesn’t matter what you cook in your lovely non-stick frypan, it is always the sausages that leave behind the sticky black marks that you have to scrape off? There goes your non-stick surface. It is the revenge of the sausage.

Have you ever noticed that the sausages are what the Great Male Chef nibbles on as he cooks the BBQ? Do you think that is unrelated to the smirk on his face that tells you he is pleased with himself? No, the magical properties in the sausage affect his manly
self–image in much the same way they would have done during the wild Roman festivals that ruined the sausage reputation in the first place. Look at me, big powerful male that I am. I have hunted and provided food for my defenceless family. Hah!

I believe that sausages should all be sold with danger signs on the packaging. There should be a public awareness campaign warning of the powers of the sausage and none should be sold to people under the age of 18. No longer will the sausage rule my life.

After all, they don’t call them bangers for nothing!

Article Source: http://www.therepozitory.com.au

Article by Anne Maybus Works from home, but not on her home. Does a reasonable job of bringing up 2 sons and 1 daughter. Has just entered the fearsome stage of parenting a teenager. Written for Real Mums. www.realmums.com.au

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