The Power of Choosing The Right Language

How Do You Refer To Problems?

It's easy to notice what other people do. I was sitting in the audience enjoying a famous speaker this week. He had the audience in the palm of his hand. But he also had an irritating habit of pushing his glasses back onto his face. He would push them at least once every minute. Unless someone has told him, he’s probably not even aware of it. But everyone else noticed.

Think of someone you know who uses certain words all the time. “You know” on the ends of every sentence. Or “um” ten times in a statement. Or here’s a big one: “but” on the end of a sentence. “It was good but.” I always notice it. Exasperating as sand in your swimming shorts.

Take problems, for instance. The same set of facts can appear very differently, depending on how you refer to them.
For instance, try this on:
Notice the difference in your feelings when you take a problem or a complaint from your life -- say, a "four" on a scale of one to ten, one being nothing and ten being a major deal. Think of your “four” issue right now. It might be your husband leaving the empty milk carton in the fridge. Annoying but compared to wars in Iraq, not likely to change the world.

Now think of it as "This problem." Doesn't that make it close to you and important? You tell a friend, “I have THIS problem of every time I go to the fridge during breakfast, there’s an empty milk carton on the shelf. And then I have to go and find another carton. Or buy one. This is a problem because last night when I glanced in the fridge, I mistook the carton as having some milk in it. And now I discover it’s empty this morning and I’m late and …”

Now think of it as "That problem." Doesn't that move it a bit away from you, and perhaps even make it smaller? “Oh that problem with the milk carton…”
"This is a major problem."
"Oh, that. No, that used to be a major issue, but now it's joined those other issues that we've almost solved."

These and Those

Same thing applies to the plural versions; These, and Those.
"These are the first things we need to solve."
"Or maybe those things need to be kept in mind, but we won’t stress about it too much."

Moving a problem up to centre stage with the words "This" and "These" enlarges them, doesn't it?
But when you put them in their proper place by using "That" and "Those" they are a little further away, aren't they?
And don't you get a little better perspective when you can view things from a little distance?

I remember working at a publishing company in my first job, straight out of school. My boss instinctively was able to put our complaints into a "That" instead of "This" frame, and then proceeded to resolve them. But the thing that stuck in my mind was how, as soon as he said, "Oh, that computer glitch", I began to think that he was going to fix things up to my contentment - and he did.

I think my fulfillment was somehow the way he really pre-framed the situation by his first words, moving the problem a little further away and making it seem smaller and less risky. This guy was also sensational on a computer, back in the days when only nerds knew what they were doing with technology (and he wasn’t even a nerd). My boss was paid lots of money because of his ability to fix problems that others (including the owner of the company) filed in the “too difficult to think about” in-tray. The owner of the company was as tight as a camel’s bum in a sandstorm but he resentfully paid my boss whatever he asked for because he could see that my boss solved problems no one else could.

Turning The Alarms Down

I hope you'll notice what words you use consistently in your life. I hope you’ll decide to try choosing these words carefully, when referring to those conflicts and confusions that are so common in all of our lives. Of course we have problems to puzzle out - that's part of what life's about. Life IS about problem-solving. But it doesn't have to be an ordeal or a torment. Sometimes the first step in resolving an issue is talking and thinking about it in a way that allows it to become a little smaller - so it doesn't overwhelm us.

Think about it. This life can be exciting enough without turning all those minor issues into major disasters, right?

Try it next time you're discussing something that needs to be sorted out. And see if, by changing "this problem" to "that problem," it doesn't get a little smaller and more manageable.
Try turning the alarms down just a little. You will see how much of a major difference it makes to your life and the lives of those around you. You’ll be able to function better and more creatively in the resulting peace. Try it and decide for yourself.

What’s Good About This?

Whoops! Here is a classic case of Learning A Lesson I’ll Never Forget. I was speeding along a country road at 7.30am in my little Holden Barina. I was due to run a workshop in the city at 10am and I was running right on schedule. I was munching my breakfast, listening to the radio and noticing the first signs of spring in the distant paddocks. Then the fly appeared in the soup. The car started to splutter and run as rough as guts. I couldn’t start it. The car had died belly up. Like Moby Dick at low tide.

First stop was a phone call to my husband. He was the one who worked on the car, who knew every little bolt intimately. He also wouldn’t answer his mobile. I tried our landline. The phone screamed in my ear. I remembered that I’d switched it over to fax the night before and forgot to switch it back to phone. This was helpful! I tried the mobile again. I sent text messages. Then I called the only neighbours in our street who are holiday-makers and usually not there. But fortunately they were down from the city obsessively renovating their home. “Can you bang on our front door,” I asked them breathlessly. “Jay isn’t answering his phone and I have to talk to him urgently.”

When I finally got hold of Jay my irritation alarms had turned up to anger. “What’s going on?” I demanded. He explained the car had probably run out of gas. “But the gauge said it was full!” I said.

“The gauge is probably broken,” he said.
I was sitting on a lonely country road miles from anything with an audience in the city who were about to arrive to see me. An audience who had paid money to see me. I was in more strife than Schapelle Corby.

I ranted and raved to him about how many times I’d been stranded in this car. I shouted about how I was never taking this car anywhere again. I screamed about how I was now likely to be late and that this problem was as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. I was really mad and needed to vent all sorts of frustrations.
Jay waited until there was a pause in my tirade. “You could try switching it over to petrol,” he suggested.
I switched to petrol and magically the car spluttered to life. I somehow limped all the way to the city noting that I had a quarter tank of petrol. I continued to deep breathe and just as I pulled into a parking spot, I noticed I’d been looking at the temperature gauge instead of the petrol gauge. The petrol gauge showed right on empty!
“The hits just keeping rolling,” I said through gritted teeth.
I walked up the stairs calmly, thinking that I should be grateful I still made it with just enough time to greet my audience. The situation made a humourous story to share with the class and the day proceeded uneventfully.

Until my time came to get in this nightmare car again. I started the engine and slinked down the road, easing into the nearest petrol station with a sigh of relief. I got out of the car, muttering something about how this car was a bedsore on the butt of humanity. I slid my key into the locked door that opens the petrol cap. The key didn’t work. I tried again. No luck. I checked the key. It’s correct, what’s going on? I glanced about, feeling slightly nervous as I noted the queues of people glaring at me in their cars. Must be peak time in the land of petrol and gas. I tried the key again. It was jammed tight. Normal people with normal cars can put petrol in their cars. Organising petrol for this car was only slightly less complicated than getting a US green card.

I sat back in the car and dialed my husband again. As I talked to him, the oil light flicked on. When I’m a millionaire, I thought, I’ll buy this horror wagon all the oil it wanted – then I’ll push it off a cliff.

“Your key must be rusty. My key works okay,” says Jay unhelpfully. “It’s probably because we live by the sea. The salt air rusts key-holes.”
Thanks Jay. This conversation was as helpful as skiing and doing my taxes. “Jay, if you mention your key and the salt air again, I’m going to have to kill you.” I scream.
I was a two-hour drive away from home, exhausted at the end of a long day and stuck with a demon-possessed car.

With the queues of glaring faces all around me, I tried the key one last time and then spent 20 minutes reversing the car to get to the gas pump and fill the car with gas.
To cut a long story short, I switched over to gas and somehow limped all the way home. I was busting to go to the toilet the whole way but was too afraid to stop the car and visit the toilet. Would the car actually start again?

The Question…

Bummer.

Then I had this great conversation with myself. Yes, there’s a place for people who have conversations with themselves. But we won’t go there.

"Well", I said, "What's good about this? What can I make of this extra time it’s taken me with this unexpected situation?"

Good question and what's more, it leads to a very useful way to think.

"I don't know", I said to myself, still a little grumpy. Could there be a gift in this unplanned car problem? Well, it was forcing me to change my routine. I ended up having a coffee at my favourite Gloria Jeans as a treat to myself. (It was a double treat because we don’t have Gloria Jeans back where I live by that deadly salt-laden-air beach.) I ended up running into someone there who gave me a great idea for my business. Had the car run like a dream, I would have been on too much of a roll, hurrying to get home. Before I even got back to the house, I was looking forward to this novel unplanned experience.

I was able to see a different side to myself. And in his efforts to make it up to me, Jay had cooked a delicious pasta meal, cleaned the backyard and organised our storage room. Even our daughter had a gleaming face. That was a pleasure to come home to.

As I tell you about this, I think of all the times in life when a bad break brought with it a hidden blessing.

The deferring of my university degree led me to finding a great job at a publishing company. My parent’s divorce led my father to a singles group at a church where I met my future husband at a youth group.

I think of other people who have experienced setbacks, only to be rewarded with blessings.
A broken knee ended a person’s sporting hopes, but allowed them more time to explore other types of knowledge, and encouraged them to spend more time travelling, which led to a series of business opportunities that would never have happened if they had stayed in sport.

At Least…
My mother and I have a saying that we never even realised we say. We’ve been using it my whole life. It took my psychologist husband to notice (typical!) Whenever something happens, my mother and I always say, “Oh well, at least …”
Someone will say, “and we missed the movie..”

“Oh well,” mum will say, “at least that was some money you saved this week.”

Someone will say, “He didn’t get the job.”
“Oh well,” mum or I will say, “at least you had the interview practise. You’ll be ready next time.”
A bride leaves her groom at the altar? “Oh well. At least that’s better than years later when they have children.”
Hurricane destroy your home? “Oh well. At least you have insurance/no one was hurt/you didn’t like that house anyway.”

Of course Jay likes to joke that we could go overboard with it. Someone’s wife dies? “Oh well. At least it wasn’t you.” Might be a tad overboard!
But you see the philosophy behind the “at least” idea.

How Do You Respond?

In every change there is a challenge and a reward.

In every disaster or inconvenience there is an opportunity to take advantage of the random change to make a new choice, something that wasn't in your future before that point.

So, when fate shuffles your cards and upsets your plans, how do you respond?

It might be useful for you to take a moment, and ask yourself the question that I asked myself as I drove wearily along the road in a car that threatened to cave in at any movement.

"Well", I had asked myself, "what's good about this?"

An interesting thing about questions. When your brain hears one, it can't help but find an answer.

Now it’s up to you!
I hope you’ve learned something from this special report. But more importantly, I’d like it to spur you into action – because, of course, what matters is not knowledge itself, but applied knowledge.

It’s likely I’ve convinced you of some new ideas and strategies you haven’t thought of before. It’s also likely you may have already heard of some of the ideas here. But the real challenge is in separating yourself from the crowd who moans, “I already know it.” Or “yes, I’ve heard that before.” You should always add to yourself, “I may know it, but am I really doing it?”

Share this. Distribute this freely to anybody you like, as long as you distribute it in its entirety, don’t change it in any way, and don’t charge money for it. The more people who know about this, the better!

If you read this and do nothing, that’s just as bad as not reading it at all. In fact, it’s worse, because you’ve wasted your time! So please take action, and start now.

Try asking yourself this life question, “what’s good about this?” You might discover an answer that you like.

Article Source: http://www.therepozitory.com.au

Natasha Crestani is an award winning speaker, presenter & therapist in peak performance for business and life. Her company Inspired Honey, was set up with psychologist Jason Crestani to provide innovative solutions for working parents and business to skyrocket people performance. Manage your time, stress and life goals with interactive workshops and coaching. Natasha is a Certified NLP Practitioner and accredited trainer. For your FREE eBook "The 9 Rules of Time Management: How to Achieve MORE and Do It Quicker", visit www.inspiredhoney.com or contact us at info@inspiredhoney.com

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